Anxiety in Teens: Parenting your Anxious Teen
As a parent, you expected some of the usual "teenage things” you probably hoped your child did some things a little differently than you did. Overall, you felt prepared for some of the silliness, some of the backtalk, some of the eye rolls.
But you didn't expect this.
Anxiety symptoms in teens show up differently in different people. And it doesn't always look like the visibly shaking, scared to be social, worried about grades stereotypes. It'd be easier if it did.
Sometimes it's digging deeper into schoolwork in order to reduce the fear they have about grades. They may never say the words "I am afraid of getting a B" or "when I don't do well on a test I feel worthless." Sometimes it's pulling away from a long-established friendship. They may say "Maddie's kind of a bitch now" when they actually feel really insecure around Maddie's new friends.
Anxiety in Teens looks different.
Most of the time, we work with anxious teens in North Carolina who are high achievers. Their anxiety drives a lot of hard work their parents have been proud of. The achievements only feel good to them for a short period of time and then it’s on to the next. It's an endless hamster wheel of proving themselves, often only to themselves.
Parents of our clients don't want to enable the obsessive nature of all of this. However, at the same time, also fear that without it, their kids' grades will fall. The accolades, which feel good to the parent too, will stop. As the parent of an anxious teen, I want you to practice discerning what's actually important to your child to do/be/achieve.
What can you do to support Anxiety in Teens?
Work in collaboration with your teen but first do your own work so you're clear about what's important to you. You may be overly invested in this thing, have some baggage around it, or care about it more than your kid. Come to this conversation ready to listen & help them.
Most of us can relate deeply to our overachiever kid's plight. Make sure you're doing your own work around this by modeling it for your kid-even calling out your own struggle with it.
Anxiety Help means knowing your limits and your teens.
Your kid can't be a balanced person and make straight A’s, captain a sports team, work a part-time job, exercise regularly, be a great friend, lead the student body, eat a "balanced diet," volunteer, read for fun, engage in family fun time, and have hobbies. You can't do the adult equivalent of that either. I would say the most important parts of parenting an anxious teen are to empathize, listen without pushing it, help them prioritize, be realistic, Don't minimize.
Empathize without projecting
Your teenager’s anxiety probably didn’t come out of the left field. Most of the parents of our anxious teens struggle with similar issues (and yes, we work with adults, too). I don't say that to shame you or blame you. I'm wired anxiously, too. But it makes it incredibly important for us to separate out our own stuff from what our child is experiencing. It's so easy to assume we know how they feel or react to their experience with our own history behind it. That doesn't help them. They need you steady. They need space for their own feelings & experience.
But if I do the adult version of rolling my eyes about something my child is upset about, I teach them that I'm not a safe person to talk to about what's bothering them "I'm sure it'll work out." "Don't be so concerned about their business." "Yep, sounds like high school." Are all the adult version of eye-rolling. If you find yourself spouting platitudes, you'll know you're probably not helping.
I'm not saying you need to know the details of what Jackson told John about what Haley texted Matt. But you can respond with, "Was Haley pretty upset?... sounds like you were a good friend to her" or "you seem pretty pissed at John. Do you think you still want to be friends with him?"
Accept that You May Not Be a Perfect Parent
Lastly don't expect yourself to do all of this perfectly. These perfectionistic kids tend to have, you guessed it, perfectionistic parents.
The most life-changing parenting info I ever learned as an anxiety therapist is that if you’re attuned with your kid a third of the time, that's great! You're probably messing up a third and hopefully repairing those mess-ups the other third. It's amazing for your relationship to come back to your kid and say "I don't like how I responded to what you said about your test tomorrow. I was anxious about your anxiety, which is obviously not gonna help you. I promise to handle my own feelings better next time, I see how what I did shut you down."
BEGIN Anxiety treatment for teens in Asheville or anywhere in the state of North Carolina.
I hope this is helpful. So many of the parents of our clients earnestly want to help and we want this to be a jumping-off point. If you or your child needs support, reach out. We’d love to help. Our Asheville, North Carolina counseling practice includes your anxiety therapists Elaine and Allison who specialize in anxiety in teens in Asheville, NC. Currently, all of our services are offered via online therapy. To start your counseling journey, follow these simple steps:
Start getting your teen the anxiety help they need today!
OTHER MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES AT ASHEVILLE EATING DISORDER TREATMENT CENTER
Our Asheville, North Carolina counseling clinic specializes in anxiety treatment for teens and adults who struggle with eating disorders and anxiety. Through therapy, we help women overcome the shame associated with mental health issues. You don’t have to remain stuck in a cycle. We can help you break free. In addition to anxiety in teens, we specialize in anxiety treatment for adults, counseling for teens with eating disorders, and eating disorders for adults at the Asheville Eating Disorder Treatment Center. Even if you don’t live around Asheville, the good news is that we can help you from anywhere in the state. Try online therapy in North Carolina. Get in touch with us today to start your journey, and begin feeling like yourself again.